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My daughter is insane sometimes.  This past week has been hell. She has had strep and a fever and refuses to sleep in her own bed!!!! So on thursday she was feeling better, and she went to bed in her own bed. But at 10 pm she decided that she did not want to sleep by herself anymore.  So she screamed for 3 hours. Ahhhh sometimes it is so hard dealing with kids. I wanted to seriously just scream myself. I need sleep and a drink. But i love being a mom.. i would rather be up at night than not having her in my life. She is just so cute i cant say no to her!

The next two weeks are going to suck. I hate having everything due at the end… finals, portfolios, papers, presentations. I think i might be going crazy. Whenever I have tons of things to do my daughter always gets sick. Last night she had a fever when i was suppose to be studying Econ and reciting for my special education presentation. AHHHHHh!! and today all she wanted to do was snuggle… i felt so bad but i have to get these things done.. Sucks having to push her away when she needs me to the most! The perks of being a mom… cannot wit for this semester to be over with!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am taking introduction to Special Education… and it is def not an easy class… well it is but the teacher is horrible. I am not doing as well as i hoped and i thought i was decent at writing, and she tore my paper apart because it was not written in APA formatting. It is very hard transitioning from writing reflections to not putting my opinion in at all. I found it frustrating that she did not even read my paper (that is a different story)… and then told  me that it was great, but i got a 85… sometimes i hate school for this reason alone. Teachers have their own quirks….. and they all grade so differently it is hard for me to adjust to each one’s preference. ughhh… just frustrated…

So my daughter’s father told me that I am selfish. I wanted to go to the Yankees Orioles game yesterday with some of my girl friends who I never see because I am either in school during the week, working on the weekends, or with my daughter. It is soo frustrating when he talks to me like this. I seriously wanted to smack him and say… so when I was pregnant or the first two years of her life it was ok for you to go to redskins game or to the beach on the 4th of July where you got arrested. Why can’t i get a break? WHy am i not able to go to see a baseball game without my child and no be considered selfish. I am sorry I can be selfish sometimes.  I did not go to the game because i felt bad leaving Jaclyn and did not want to be considered selfish. SOOOO frustrating. If i have learned anything it is to find someone who will not belittle you and treat you with respect. I should def listen to myself more huh…. 

Some of you commented on the blog about my daughter… Just to clear a few things up.  I do not keep my daughter from her father. I believe she has a right to see her father if he wants to be a part of her life. I know it takes two people to raise a child and in my case my whole family.. hhaha but I do realize that she needs her father and that bond that they share will help her. However, I did not make this clear… I think that he needs to pay for his share if he wants to be in her life. This month I got 150…. and I spent in all in one day on diapers and wipes and clothes for spring. That 150 had to go to child care as well. SO this is why I am debt…. like alot! Granted he has to pay for when she is with him, but she is with me 85% of the time. That is what I am complaining about. I should be grateful that he is in her life. I truly am. However, there are many underlying problems as well.. that well is more private than child support. My daughter deserves the best and it sucks not being able to give her what she needs. Being a parent is hard work…. although it was my choice to keep my child without being married i enjoy the happine

I cannot wait to be done with this semester… Econ is killing me… i need to do decent in that class and well he has been gone for about three weeks so I am kinda freaking out about that. I also have everything due in the next three weeks so I am not going to have a weekend but that is ok.. I dont do much to begin with. I can”t wait to start my new job and begin summer : ) and go to the beach for 2 weeks with my family! I will definitely need that.. but once again i will be working on my grad portfolio! yay and taking care of my daughter.. which wont be too bad. She loves the beach and hanging out with her cousins.. so hopefully i can sit on the beach with my computer in tow writing my last papers!! and be done with it! 

Then I have to decide on where i want to go to grad school and what i want to get my masters in. I am not 100% positive I want to teach.. so I have to come up with another alternative. I have always wanted to work for the FBI doing counter terrorist things. so i am leaning towards something to do with that. Fun.. so much to do and I dont have much time or patience. 

I have recently filed for child support, custody, and visitation… long story short… her father is not the easiest person to get along with and does not agree with the whole hild support thing.. and I cannot say no.. so we go to mediation because i took the ncc class and loved it! anyways thrugh prince william county mediation is free… so basically the lady sucked… or i just suck at saying no. I have sole physical custody which is great.. but he only has to pay me 375 a month and 300 goes to child care.. awesome.. go me for standing up for my daughter. I cannot say no to this guy becaue of all the emotional abuse he has caused me I am afaird to tell him no.. so instead of the 650 that i would have gotten i am gettin half. Karma is a bitch.. and i hope one day i get enough balls to stand up to him… ughh that and I dont even want to be around him… I know that my daughter needs a father and his side of the family.. I would never keep her from him, but i just hate the way he treats me and makes me feel. he had enough nerve to tell the mediator that she did not know what she was talking about and to mind her own business. he is a piece of work. ahh boys… however, my daughter is beautiful and she is the best thing in my life so i thank him for giving her to me. she is so awesome.. maybe i could bring her in to class one day : )

soooo my week has been pretty shittie!! for starters the bf and I are on a break.. yea kinda sucks not being able to talk to the one person who always makes things better! murr… so on monday my macbook was acting weird… i dont know what exactly happened bu the hard drive crashed on monday during my last class.. freaking great.. so because apple is ridiculous and charges for everything.. so i had to pay 150 to get all of my grad portfolio stuff and my music and pics of my little one! so that was not fun at all.. and let me tell you not having my mac made me go a little nuts.. i was FREAKING out! just shows how much we rely on technology to get us through the day and to remember certain passwords because they are saved.. crap! yea awesome.. my life is perfect right now. OK then I was in Fairfax COunty court today… getting my notary thingy… and somewhere in that damn building my keys fell out.. AWESOME!!!!!!!!! so now i am leaving go Tech this weekend withoug any keys to my car. ohh i want to cry but I am really trying to hold it all together! I gotta get through today and tomorrow and then it’s to see if me and the boy will stay together.. another awesome day… I want to sleep!

No not my boyfriend.. although i do miss him terribly as well… I miss my brother. Josh is currently in Iraq.. safe for now and enduring a lot of sand storms. He is winning poker, selling cigarrettes, and taking pictures.. I know… at least he is not having to fight.. however he is going to be in the “field” for 13 weeks doing patrols and sleeping in his LAV (Light Armored Vehicle) where he is the gunner. I am worried him because he is inside of the LAV and if something happens he has to lock himself into to LAV.. which is scary… Although my brother has always been one of those guys who loves to go hunting and be outdoors.. I am not sure anyone is completely prepared for war.

These up coming months i am going to miss him the most. He will be missing my graduation, our annual 2 week beach trip, the 4th of  july yankees red sox game, birthdays, and of course hanging out with us. I miss him so much.. To give you all a background.. There are six children in my family. Jenn, James, Josh, Jake, me, and Joey… all J’s!!!! and of course how could i forget my youngest sister Jackie who my daughter is named after.  Josh and I were always really close. He was like my body guard in high school and would “teach” me his ways. We are really close and being really far from him really sucks. He is the type of guy that makes everyone crack up.. He is halirous.. yet very loving.. He got into a LOT of trouble in high school.. which i tired to cover for him but not possible.. but he has turned into such a great person. I look up to him and what he is doing for our country. HE called on Easter and talked to me and my daughter : ) so nice to hear from him… Jac misses him as well. (We have a wall in our house of our senior pics going down the stairs and Jac knows everyone.. but when she comes to Josh she always stops and says HI Josh… be safe. Wobe you.) it makes me cry every time. ) If anyone wants to write to any of the marines or send them a package… let me know and I will give you the address… keep them all in your thoughts and prayers if you pray.  I miss my best friend and brother.. come home soon Josh! I love you

I  officially hate long distance!!! It’s like I am dating someone completely different and we fight over stupid crap all the time!!!!!! It is so frustrating… or when he has an opportunity to come home his excuse is oh well my friends wanted to go golfing! WTF!!! I am tired and seriously thinking about if it is worth it.. we have been doing this for over a year and i am worn out.. any advice??? 

I hate this in between crap.. I wish it would get warm.. and stop raining all the time. I want to be able to take my daughter out and play with her new power wheels escalade that she got for her bday!!! maybe i want to play with it more than she does. It looks so freaking cool.. I have always wanted one when I was younger… my parents suck! Anyways… I just dont want to wear a coat nemore! and play with my princess : ) 

Having a 2 year old is ridiculous.. we were in gap and she decided to climb up on the damn tablees.. of course another mom who probably went through the same thing was cracking up. Yea really funny to me.. NOT.  Princess thinks that this is halirous and starts running around on all of the clothes.. yea so at this point I have to put her back into the stroller… and she FREAKS out.. i mean kicking.. jumping up and down… yelling at me to go away.. that she wants daddy… blah blah blah.. All i wanted to do was cry. I know now why the mother was laughing, because she is two and she thinks she can do whatever she wants and tell me no all the time.. Every mom goes through it.. that is why moms dont bring their kids shopping with them. Yea i know.. but what can I do? I told her father that my hair is going to go gray by the time I am thirty.. funny thing is he agreed that she is out of control! Holy shit we agreed on something in our life! Maybe we will have some discipline now! maybe? yes i pray that he actually does cause she is out of control!   ps. anyone thinking about having a kid?? please take my daughter for a day.. then you will be extra prepared for becoming a parent! it’s never easy, but very rewarding! 

For Christmas I bought my boyfriend tickets to the Yankees Red Sox game!!! We both are really big SOx fans!!! Yeah! Go BOSOX! Anyways.. got the tickets in the mail on monday! we are definitely ready for some hot dogs and a good baseball game! I am soo excited and really looking forward to spending the weekend in NYC!! 

While doing my memory Investigation it has recalled some very painful memories that are still very vivid in my mind.  Giving birth was not something that I enjoyed, while many women do not, I especially do not!!! Reliving those memories made me cry and never want to have anymore children. Sometimes I think that it was God’s way of punishing me for having a baby outside of marriage, but I know that is bull shit. ALthough the labor part was not the only painful memories of labor and pregnancy all together. most of you have seen Juno the movie. Let me tell you pregnancy is not anything like that especially for young unwed mothers. I cannot complain i had a tremendous support system, there were days where I would sit on the bathroom floor and cry over a comment someone made to me about the baby.  It is rough and at one point I flipped out on a lady. I was walking through the mall on halloween with a friend from work. I needed to walk because I was obsessed with not gaining too much weight. A lady walks up and touchs my belly! well this is a no no for prego women. It use to piss me off. HELLO you are touching my fucking stomach…. give me my space! that is what i was always thinking… i am def not a bitch.. just a bubble person.. don’t get in my damn space esp when I am a whale! She proceedes to ask me a bunch of questions… then oh well I’m sure your husband is very excited as well (while she is looking at my left hand… ring finer) I tell her no that I am not married. She said, ” well that is a shame for your child….” Being 8 months pregnant and moody I was pissed. I said to her, “I’m sorry I’m sure you had sex before you were married.. you however had the luxury of not getting pregant.. i however am very fertile.. i was on birth control. so please keep your damn comments to yourself… oh and i am stronger than you will ever be.. and I don’t need a man to raise a child.” My friend was pissed right along with me, but did not dare say anything. I have never been so rude to anyone in my entire life, but that bitch deserved it. It was painful that still people in our country judge single mothers. Did she know I was considering adoption.. NO.. did she know how much my parents were helping. NO. She judged without taking into consideration anything! SO next time you think you see a young mother.. SMILE… for she is going through a lot and does not deserve to be frowned upon. or she may even bite your head off… being preggo makes women nuts! this was long but doing the investigation brought back some painful memories and some very good ones as well! I actually loved being pregnant! Although labor was terrible… the result has changed my life completely! 

My daughter who is about two and a half is starting to repeat anything I say. Sometimes it is hilarious, other times I want to hide in a corner when we are in public or in the car with the windows down. I would like to think that my daughter is smarter than most of the kids her age, but doesn’t every mom. anyways.. i think she picks up on word very fast! I was driving the other day and someone cut me off.. and out of my mouth comes… God dammit you stupid bitch… ya i know i have a potty mouth… and 2 seconds later.. I hear an echo in the back seat while she has this big grin on her face. She knows what she is saying  and thinks its funny.. As a mother is it not proper to teach kids curse words I know.. I try not to say anything bad around her.. but I have to admit i had to laugh afterwards.. Hearing her little voice saying those words.. you all can think i am a horrible mother, but it was funny. 

So my brother is leaving on tuesday for Quait… I think that is how one spells that. Not only is it really hard saying goodbye to him, but also it is harder when he is telling everyone that he will be home in November. We are the ones doubting if he will come home and it is sad. I never thought I would be saying goodbye to him possibly for the last time… he is such an awesome person to be around. He is always making people laugh, but to me he ha always been someone who I could count on.  He protected me in high school as stupid as that sounds it’s nice to have an older brother sometimes. Basically, I am going to miss having him in my life, but he will be home…. one way or another… keep him in your thoughts and prayers (if you pray!)

My four brothers and I went to the Mason game on monday night in Richmond… it was awesome! Mason played a great game and now we are going to the NCAA tournament! My marine brother was able to stay until thursday of this week so he was able to go as well!!! That was the best because we all were able to hang out before he leaves! Three of my brothers were on tv.. and i was right behind them.. but of course I am too short. Lame! Anyways.. it was a great experience and I was happy that I was finally able to do something normal.

       Last night my family including a couple close friends had game night. There are six kids in my family so game night never has a dull moment. I was surprised that all six of us finally got together for once!! It was really nice to finally talk to my sister without her 4 kids interrupting and see her get out of the house for once! I was extremely happy to get to hang out with my brother before he goes to Iraq. We played this game called Apples to Apples… which is sooo much fun!!! My brothers, all 4 of them, are extremely into the game which at time is overwhelming or scary if you are not use to it. My boyfriends sister was there and definitely seemed taken back as to how annoying they could get esp with a few drinks in them. But i love them and they are soo much fun..       My younger brother, who will be turning 21 in a week (not good)  gets really competitive and annoying.. and LOUD.. I think I definitely lost some of my hearing last night. Anyways.. my family is so much fun and I am so happy to have finally been able to hang out like the old days when we all were inseparable.    

My brother leaves for Iraq next week and he is home this week in order to say goodbye and what not to his family and friends. However, I have not even seen him. He has been dating this girl for about 4 months and she has been with him 24 seven. Ok yes I understand to an extent why they want to spend time together.. but really my brother is my best friend and he knows how I feel about her. It is really annoying to make plans with him and then he cancels because the gf said she has already planned something.. ie going to Tiffany’s to look at RINGS!! ahhh…. although i cannot control of he asks her to marry him, it bothers me that he is even considering it. For christmas when they had been dating 2 months.. she was crying because they were not with her family that day at DINNER!!!!!!!! I am just upset that I still have not seen my brother, only talked to him for about 5 mins then interrupted by her so she could tell me to wear a dress on sat night when we went out! wow…. good talk.  

I have been working at a company for over a year and a half or so on the weekends because of school and my daughter. I have interviewed a couples places for teaching jobs and they have all went considerably well. These jobs however are for private schools, which do not pay a good amount. I have considered going back to get my license and masters, and have applied to Mason and MaryMount, but I do not want to be in school for two more years or pay over 30 grand to go to MaryMount. I know it will be better in the long run for me to go back to school, but I just dont have the money. I dont have time or money because I am paying for everything by myself excluding rent. Back to my point, my current employer offered me a HR manager job that I do not know if i can refuse. HR manager is a great position and gives ma an opportunity to get my masters in Public Admin or something along those lines in which my company will pay for.  I think it is sweet if you ask me. Most teachers complain about how they do not get paid enough and how much work they are doing. I kinda get scared when I think about it. Another reason is that I am not completely sure about teaching.. great yea i know…. i am getting a degree … I was interested in teaching because of my daughter but I am not sure how good of a teacher I will be. I am nervous, but I am confident that I will be good at HR because of my organizational skills and love for people. too many decisions. I would also get paid a really good amount, more than private schools and public schools. It is def a hard decision and a hard offer to turn down. 

I have been thinking about what to write this week and I could not come up with much…. until my daughter once again has given me something to write about. Having a two year old is so much fun.. at times. She is talking and let me tell you she is sooo funny sometimes.  She has always had this fascination with her feces. Yes, I know gross, but I would like to think that most kids do. When she was younger she  decided that she did not want to take a nap with her diaper on, so she took it off.  I guess she had to go to the bathroom, so we went. I walked in the room to wake her up because I had to go to class and it smelled soo bad. She took her feces and rub it all over the crib, walls, blankets, and most importantly herself.  Fun let me tell you.. NOT. it was so disgusting.. and  I did not know whether to cry or laugh that such a little person would do such a thing. I can laugh about it know, but then I was thoroughly grossed out. Back to the main point of the story.  She decided to poop in the bath tub the other night and thought it was hilarious. She was cracking up saying…”Mommy look! poop in the tub! hahah… Mommy look.. thats funny.” Yes, little girl its soo funny that you are sitting in it! So when I was putting her to bed, she told me… “Mommy, poopie smells really bad.. Ailey (her cousin) eats poopie.” Me : “really baby.. Ailey eats poopie?” Her: “yes mommy she is a bad girl… very bad.. she sits in time out.” All i could do is laugh at her… i don’t know where they pick these kinds of things up… or she was totally making it up.. I will never know. HOwever, she is the smartest little thing.. or at least i think so… saying sentences like that at 2 years old. My little girl is growing up soo fast… : (

I love NCC don’t get me wrong. I have done really well in all my classes expect for one I am taking this semester. I think he is a new professor and does not fully understand the NCC way of thinking. I have never taken a test in NCC ever and now I have to take a midterm and a final. I know some NCC classes have these, but this is not easy stuff and since he is new I think our way of thinking has gotten him all disgruntled. It;s frustrating when doing the homework because we do not discuss it in class… well some of it.. but it’s really hard. Or so I think. I can say that this is the only NCC class that i hate with a passion. It is not fun and extremely boring. I do not even want to go… which is totally not like NCC classes at all! oh well.. my last semester! I’ll deal with it. 

I am stuck in a hard place; sitting, waiting for things to fall into place. I was offered a job at a private school in Chantilly making crap money, but I would be able to go to grad school as well at MaryMount. The bad side to that is I would be taking classes on Friday night and Saturday mornings every other week. Great there goes my damn weekends to relax and NOT spend any time with my little one.  Also, since MaryMount is a private university I would not be able to receive loans through via FASA like Mason offers. That means I am paying out of pocket a ridiculous amount of money a year…. aka more than I would be making at the private school. Second, I would have no time with my little one, which would totally suck being away from her all the time.  Third, I would be burnt out for two years!!! My other option is I to go to Mason’s grad school and work like I am currently doing on the weekends. I would receive FASA perks and I would still be able to see my daughter. NO brainer there right? Well, I am supporting myself and pay for everything. I am broke.. I mean like cannot buy anything ever and personally that stinks and I receive no child support….. yea let’s just say that he is LAME and I am stupid for not taking him to court…. once again do not have the money.  Yea and people say it does not cost anything to file for child support… my ass (excuse my language) of course when he contests it… I am going to court and need a lawyer.. AWESOME. So, I am stuck. I do not want to make this decision. I do not want to go through more school, but I know it will only help my future. I hate being broke and not being able to give my daughter cute clothes from the gap or gymboree.  Decisions… I truly hate them. 

I often wonder why so many people make a big deal of this dumb day… i think it is pointless for one day out of the year girls get so excited to get a gift from their significant other or a card, flowers, and candy. It guess it benefits all of the producers of such things because flowers are ridiculously priced when one can buy flowers a week later for half the price.Now I am not bitter because I do not have someone to share it with. I started dating M right around this time last year. So am I excited for valentines day ? NO.. we re not celebrating it because I hate the holiday. However, we are celebrating one year together, which is more important than a day to tell your “lover” how much he or she means to you. To me it does not make sense to buy a bunch of crap when there are 364 other days out there to tell you significant other you love them. Although the day is not negative and promotes boyfriends to do something nice, I wonder how the day came about???  

My daughter was sick with the flu this past week and the poor thing was miserable.  I was sick right along with her, so both being miserable and not wanting to do anything I wanted to know if her doctors would give her anything to help her with the cough and fever. I had been giving her the over the counter meds but she needed more. So I call and they tell me that they need to see her. So off we go looking like zombies to a place filled with germs that will probably make us more sick. They tell me what I already know. She has the flu. I told the doctor.. “yes I obv. know that she has the flu because I have it as wel. I called and asked your nurse if there was anything else I could give her or you could perscribe” the doctor said well if i would have known you called I could have called you back to talk with you because there was not point in coming in today. I wanted to pull my hair out. Okay well, they give my daughter triaflu… yea I am never putting her on that crap again. She was crazy!!!!!Sometimes I just don’t see the point of going to a doctor when clearly it is not hard to diagnose someone with the flu or bronchitis, which my daughter has developed recently as well once again because they told me this time that I should not come in that it was just a cough and to sit with her outside at night. Well, that did not work.. so off we go for the third time in three weeks to the doctors. Now I know where all my moeny is going… I know I should not complain about helping my daughter… but when I get no child support, which is a different story, is pretty much is lame. Maybe it is just time to find a new doc. Haha I am sure many moms go through this crap. I bet you all in our class can’t wait!!!!! The worst part is watching her suffer and having to sleep with her… both are equally difficult.

My brother recently has been deployed to Iraq. He leaves in the beginning of March and is currently training in Califorina. Do not get me wrong I support our troops 100%, but I am a firm believer that we do not need to be over in Iraq fighting a war that I believe is going no where just like Desert Storm. Read the rest of this entry »